Thanks In Advance

By Ann E. Mailer

As a junior associate, just about everything that goes on in my work life makes me feel stupid, depressed, or cynical. But nothing rouses those feelings more than mass email inquiries.

I assume the reader is familiar with what I'm talking about because every firm - whether large or small, white-shoed or sandaled - permits attorneys to use Microsoft Outlook for these firmwide mailings. The mass email inquiries are the same across firms, offices, and practice groups: They all begin with a greeting and/or apology for interrupting, pose the inquiry, and conclude with an "in-advance" expression of gratitude.

The most common and familiar variety of a mass email inquiry consists of an obscure request for information. Sometimes these call for referrals for a legal specialist: Does anyone know any reasonably priced admiralty lawyers admitted to practice in North Dakota? Can you recommend a reasonably priced Panamanian living trust expert? Other times, they call for prior research into a never-heard-of field of law: Has anyone researched/briefed the issue of respondeat superior during the reign of King Arthur?

As junior associates, we can only read these messages, wallow in our ignorance, and then continue with the document-review projects on our screens. None of these inquiries ever give junior associates the opportunity to shine. Do I know an admiralty specialist? Of course not. My whole network of contacts is doing doc reviews too.

But a lack of expertise does not stop the junior associate's quixotic effort to please powerful partners. As a result, junior associates will respond with an attempt to make some vague familiarity with the subject of a mass email inquiry sound like real expertise. They rarely succeed. For example, I recently received an email inquiry from a partner about a topic I had seen mentioned on the blog How Appealing (howappealing.law.com). I replied, "You might want to take a look at this 7th Circuit case. It's by Posner ... should be good." His response: "Yeah, I know." Ouch. So much for his "Thanks in advance."

Some inquiries reveal more about the firm's clients than I want to know. "A good client of the firm needs a referral for a reasonably priced criminal defense attorney specializing in capital murder and human trafficking. Any leads would be appreciated. Thanks in advance." I also see emails that get into surprising detail about clients' families, ones like: "The client's 14-year-old son recently crashed his brand new luxury SUV, purchased for his 13th birthday, into a bus full of nuns on their way to help orphans. At the time of the accident, the client's son was using the Facebook application on his iPhone while drinking single malt whiskey stolen from the client's liquor cabinet. If you know a reasonably priced attorney in the Pacific Palisades area who specializes in personal injury defense, I'd appreciate hearing from you. Thanks in advance."

Nationally publicized tragedies have a way of generating unwanted inquiries, too. For example, if thousands of toddlers are impaled because for the holidays they received a teddy bear with a Ginsu knife imbedded in it, then I guarantee that precisely 49 hours after the news breaks, we'll receive an email declaring: "We are preparing a pitch to a potential client. If you have recently researched liability issues arising from stuffed animals containing Ginsu knives, we'd greatly appreciate hearing from you. It would help a lot. Thanks in advance."

Last, but certainly not least, are the poorly disguised personal requests. These are easy to spot. They begin with the phrase "A good friend of the firm ... " Let's be clear about this: Firms do not have friends. Also, a disproportionate number of these "good friends" need referrals for lawyers with expertise in complex divorce proceedings, or DUI cases.

These are the emails that depress junior associates the most, because they offer a glimpse into our future lives if we are "fortunate" enough to rise through the ranks. First our marriages will disintegrate, then our kids will develop alcohol and drug problems. And then we'll be thanking people in advance for their referrals. Our one solace: However bad it gets, we'll still be better off than investment bankers.

Ann E. Mailer is a pseudonym for a young associate at a Southern California firm. California Lawyer welcomes other associates' writings about their experience. Send submissions to associateslife@dailyjournal.com.

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