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Lawyer or Lover?

By Annie Gausn | Jun. 2, 2006

Law Office Management

Jun. 2, 2006

Lawyer or Lover?

Unless you found your soul mate in law school, you've probably had a hard time hooking up in the real world. Here's a quiz to help you figure out why you still might be single after all these years. by Beth Orsoff

By Beth Orsoff
      Take this quiz and find out how you rate.
      You're at a party, bar, bookstore, police station, restaurant, gym, courthouse, whole foods, coffeehouse, dry cleaner's, car wash, dog park, impound lot, or your shrink's waiting room, and you strike up a conversation with an attractive person. Inevitably, you're asked the dreaded question: "What do you do?"
      You consider lying. You imagine all the interesting things you could've done with your life if only you hadn't decided to go to law school. You wonder for the millionth time how you could've possibly fallen for that "There're lots of things you can do with a law degree" line. Eventually you shrug and answer, "I'm a lawyer."
      Typically, this admission is greeted by one of three responses: (a) "Not another lawyer!", (b) "Really, my _________ is a lawyer, do you know _________ ?", or (c) a broad smile that reveals the person actually calculating in his or her head how much money you make. No wonder lawyers have so much trouble finding true love.
      The world is filled with romantically challenged lawyers. Answer these ten questions to find out if you're one of them.
      1. You unlock the front door after another long day at the office and you hear, "How was your day, dear?" You respond:
      A. "Why do you need to know?"
      B. "That's not important. How was your day, darling?"
      C. "Has it only been one day?"
      D. "When did the plant learn to talk?"
      2. Where are you most likely to be found on a Sunday afternoon?
      A. In the office working. (Where else would you be?)
      B. In the office pretending to be working, but really surfing the net.
      C. Out shopping for a new outfit so the next time you're lucky enough to get a date, you won't have to wear a suit.
      D. On the golf course schmoozing a potential client.
      3. Your firm has just hired a cute new lawyer (hereinafter "Lawyer L"). You think:
      A. "I'd sleep with Lawyer L."
      B. "I wonder if Lawyer L is single."
      C. "Great, maybe I can dump some of my work on Lawyer L."
      D. "I can't believe they hired Lawyer L! The last thing I need is more competition."
      4. The firm moves Lawyer L into the office next to yours. You:
      A. Bring Lawyer L a Starbucks grande mocha latte and offer to introduce Lawyer L to the rest of the office.
      B. Noncommittally suggest to Lawyer L that maybe the two of you can grab a coffee sometime.
      C. Wait until Lawyer L leaves for lunch, then sneak into Lawyer L's office and drop your new assignment on Lawyer L's chair.
      D. Hang out in the hallway until you see a senior partner, then shake your head in disbelief and shout to no one in particular that you can't believe Lawyer L is going to lunch when you haven't even had a day off in the past year.
      5. After a few weeks of harmless hallway chitchat, Lawyer L noncommittally suggests that the two of you have lunch together sometime. You respond with:
      A. A polite no thank you. You haven't eaten lunch anywhere other than your desk in the past four years.
      B. An equally polite but noncommittal yes.
      C. You tell Lawyer L that's a great idea, then pull out your Treo and start suggesting dates.
      D. You snarkily reply that while it's obvious Lawyer L isn't interested in making partner, you still are.
      6. For the first time in six months you leave the office before 8 p.m., and you decide to go out to a nearby bar to celebrate. Of course, who should be blocking your access to the bartender but Lawyer L? You:
      A. Tap Lawyer L on the shoulder and say, "Fancy meeting you here."
      B. Squeeze in inappropriately close to Lawyer L and offer to buy the next round.
      C. Fork over a twenty and ask Lawyer L to flag down the bartender and order you a martini.
      D. Pull out the mini digital camera you keep in your pocket for just such occasions and snap a picture of Lawyer L swigging down a drink.
      7. It's the night of the firm's Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa party, and after a few too many cocktails you and Lawyer L just happen to stumble out to your respective BMWs at exactly the same time. Lawyer L asks if you have plans for the holidays. You answer:
      A. "You mean other than working?"
      B. "Yes, and you?"
      C. "I'll be out of town, but I'm bringing my laptop with me and plan on working every day."
      D. "That depends. What did you have in mind?"
      8. Despite your schedule, Lawyer L's schedule, and you and Lawyer L's mutual acknowledgement that dating a colleague is probably a bad idea, the two of you do finally manage to go out on a date. At the end of the night you:
      A. Kiss Lawyer L passionately before saying good night.
      B. Suggest you go back to your place for a nightcap, then promptly fall asleep on the couch.
      C. Tell Lawyer L it's been fun and you'll talk Monday.
      D. Convince Lawyer L that you should keep the date just between the two of you, before promptly blabbing every detail of the evening to all of your colleagues, adding a few embellishments of your own.
      9. To the surprise of both you and Lawyer L, three months later not only are the two of you still dating but the relationship is going strong. Then, as luck would have it, the U.S. Supreme Court issues a new ruling on workplace sexual harassment, which causes a panic among the firm's senior partners (all of whom are married); they decide to enact a prohibition on intrafirm dating. You:
      A. Immediately set up a meeting with the senior partners at which you distinguish your relationship with Lawyer L from the facts in the Supreme Court case, then argue that the no-dating policy should therefore not apply to your relationship or, in the alternative, that since your relationship predates the new workplace policy, it should be grandfathered in.
      B. Tell Lawyer L you care about him or her too much to allow Lawyer L to jeopardize his or her career over you. Besides, there's a cute new lawyer at the firm three floors up you've been dying to go out with.
      C. Take it as a sign from God that you weren't meant to have a relationship.
      D. Break up with Lawyer L in an email so if you're ever questioned, you'll have evidence that you didn't violate firm policy.
      10. One year later three Supreme Court justices retire and the new Court reverses the previous Court's decision. Your firm responds by rescinding the prohibition on intrafirm dating-both because one of the senior partners is now divorced and wants to date his secretary, and because no one really followed the rule anyway. Soon thereafter you overhear the latest firm gossip that Lawyer L is once again unattached. You:
      A. Do nothing. After billing 3,000 hours last year you barely have enough energy to make it to work in the morning, let alone engage in a relationship.
      B. Tell Lawyer L no hard feelings and suggest the two of you pick up where you left off.
      C. Send Lawyer L a bottle of French Champagne with a note saying how much you've missed Lawyer L.
      D. Pretend that the last year never happened and noncommittally suggest to Lawyer L that the two of you go out again sometime.
      How Do You score?
      Follow the point key below to determine your total:
      (1)A = 3 points; B = 4; C = 1; D = 2
      (2)A = 2; B = 1; C = 3; D = 4
      (3)A = 4; B = 3; C = 2; D = 1
      (4)A = 4; B = 3; C = 2; D = 1
      (5)A = 2; B = 3; C = 4; D = 1
      (6)A = 3; B = 4; C = 2; D = 1
      (7)A = 1; B = 3; C = 2; D = 4
      (8)A = 4; B = 2; C = 3; D = 1
      (9)A = 3; B = 4; C = 2; D = 1
      (10)A = 1; B = 3; C = 4; D = 2
      Total Points
      36-40You're a player masquerading as a lawyer. If you haven't already left the practice of law for a life in politics, consider doing so. That is your true calling.
      26-35Yes, your suspicions are correct: You are a romantically challenged lawyer. Because you can't change the lawyer part (you'll always be a former lawyer even if you're not a current one), consider stocking your library with self-help books, romantic movies, and mood music. Maybe some of it will rub off on you.
      16-25You may or may not be romantically challenged, but you're definitely an overworked lawyer desperately in need of a vacation. Put this quiz down and book a trip to a relaxing destination-now, before it's too late! No, not tomorrow. No, not next week. No, not after you finish that summary judgment motion. Now!
      10-15You're an ultracompetitive associate at a large law firm. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you have some type of life-altering experience, there's no hope for you.
      If you like your rating, congratulations! You are now armed with self-knowledge. If you don't, don't fret. Take the quiz again, but this time answer differently. If you still don't like your result, then keep retaking the quiz until you get the result you want.

Annie Gausn

Daily Journal Staff Writer

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