Crayfish to judges

UNDER SUBMISSION

It was the weekend and I was home reading Supreme Court opinions... in installments when, for some reason, I became weary. So I took a break and turned on the television... set. (To say "turned on the television" is a little creepy.) The movie "Wonder Woman" was just starting. As I watched "Wonder Woman," my mind began to wonder... and then wander as it often does when I read Supreme Court opinions. Go figure. (An expression I despise along with "awesome," "no problem," "iconic," and "incredible.")

I have many colleagues who are so exceptional that the appellation (play on words in case you missed it) "Wonder Woman" applies. Gov. Jerry Brown recognized this in his first term as governor and created the momentum to appoint women to the bench, which is gathering more speed throughout the country.

But, unlike Wonder Woman, these extraordinary women work with male colleagues and most are married to men. But Wonder Woman was born and lived on an island inhabited by warrior women. I was trained in my profession to ask questions. So where are the men? Did the women kill them? Or is it permissible to say "kill them off"? If there were no men around, how did they get born?

It is not fair that any group be marginalized by their sex or sexual orientation. Over the centuries, men, as a group, have inhibited women from achieving equal status. But I hope the pendulum does not swing so far in the opposite direction that men become irrelevant or, even worse, extinct.

Take crayfish for example. I read that there is a species of mutant crayfish that are reproducing throughout the world in billions. What is incredible ("incredible" belongs here) is that they are all female. So where are the males? There are none!!! What? Note to valued readers: What appears in the following paragraph is not an April Fools' joke. Please observe that the publication date of this column is April 2, not April 1.

This is not the black widow spider phenomenon. Nor is it the praying mantis dining on her mate. The females reproduce through cloning. They do it themselves! This species of crayfish is native to Georgia and Florida. No comment.

If cloning, albeit with human intervention, can occur with dogs and sheep, humans are not that far down the line. We have self-driving cars, not quite perfect, but getting there. In the near future we may have self-cloning humans. Don't scoff. DNA may reveal that billions of years ago we were once crayfish. And this logically takes me to judicial elections.

I pointed out in my March column that appointed judges are subject to a rigorous vetting process by both the governor and the Judicial Nominees Evaluation committee (JNE). That's not the case with those who challenge sitting judges in judicial races. I acknowledge that such challengers might prove to be capable judges. But in my view those that run against competent judges solely because they wish to don judicial robes do not deserve our vote. Often the candidate's ballot designation is reason enough to lose our vote. "Fearsome gang prosecutor who criminals dread" is an easy pass.

And those who challenge judges solely because of the judge's political party, or because the judge was appointed by a particular governor, are not worthy of holding judicial office. See Presiding Justice Anthony Kline's excellent article in the March 14 edition of the Daily Journal, "The Politicization of the San Francisco Superior Court."

So I offer here a possible solution to assure we preserve our outstanding judiciary. Clone sitting judges who have superior ratings from the JNE or other appropriate agency. Please, no ridicule. This can happen. Granted, it won't be tomorrow. But let's think big.

There are kinks that will have to be ironed out. Cloning, known as somatic cell nuclear transfer, involves transferring a cell in the donor into an egg cell of the recipient. The embryo then duplicates the DNA of the donor cell. I acknowledge it is not practical to wait until the replica of the sitting judge grows up. I am counting on scientists to develop growth hormones that hasten the growth process.

And I admit that two of the same judge living at the same time could be rife with potential problems. When does the cloned judge get to hear cases? Presumably after the sitting judge dies. What does the cloned judge do in the meantime -- sit around reading advance sheets? What if the cloned judge disagrees with a decision of the sitting judge? This should not be a concern. We expect the cloned judge to rule the same way as the sitting judge to make this work. I leave that up to the scientists.

And I have not even touched on the legal problems that could develop. What if the cloned judge becomes jealous of the sitting judge? Can a cloned judge be guilty of theft or murder? Is it like stealing from or killing oneself? Of course these hypothetical questions are nonsensical. A perfect clone of a highly rated judge would not do these things.

I intend to do further research on this vital subject and will get back to you. I hope to discuss the matter with Barbra Streisand. And should there be any concern that I would participate in this experiment, you can rest easy. I am not offering myself as a candidate for cloning. I discussed the matter with my wife. She is unalterably opposed.