How the entertainment industry shapes our views of domestic violence

“Every breath you take. And every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you.” The quote above comes from the song “Every Breath You Take” with lyrics by Sting and recorded by The Police. Released as part of The Police’s Synchronicity album in 1983, it has been played as countless first dance songs at weddings and high school proms over the past 40 years. The song’s accolades and financial success are well known. The problem is that it is not a love song. Without the music, it is an ode to stalking and nothing more. Even Sting has acknowledged many times this was not a joyous song about love. But like most, I know the lyrics by heart.

As a child growing up watching television, I was fortunate to see icons of television and movies. But, looking back now, what did I see when I watched those shows and movies? We saw Ralph Kramden (played by Jackie Gleason) often threatening his wife Alice (played by Audrey Meadows) by saying, “One of these days, pow, right in the kisser,” with his fist swinging in an uppercut motion. To be fair, Alice more than held her own verbally against Ralph and would often render him feckless with her one-liners and cutting sarcasm. But did children watching that really understand that relationship dynamic? Or did they just see the accepted threat of violence by a husband? On “I Love Lucy,” we saw Ricky (played by Desi Arnaz) often punish his on- screen (and real-life) wife Lucy (played by Lucille Ball) by spanking her over his knee for her ill-conceived plans that always went awry. Did children see this was acting or did they see this is how husbands punish their wives for their behavior? John Wayne, often a stable for Saturday or Sunday afternoon movies, was often seen, as was then referred to as, “manhandling” women in some of his most famous roles (“The Quiet Man” with Maureen O’Hara) and “McClintock” (also with O’Hara) along with many other movies. This is not to say that Wayne did not also “manhandle” men because he did so with aplomb.

The point of these examples is that, rightfully or wrongfully, television, movies, and music can profoundly affect how we see and treat our partners. “The Duke,” who was beloved, again rightfully or wrongfully around the World, is seen hitting a woman, then it must be okay. He is Americana. If he can do it, then so can I. Tammy Wynette, an icon in country music, said you should “stand by your man.” Even though the man she was singing about was her husband, George Jones, a violent alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused her “because, after all, he’s just a man.” Since Tammy can take it, as a good wife, I should stand with him no matter what he does or says. And Carrie Underwood told us it was okay to take revenge against her cheating partner in “Before He Cheats” and provided a laundry list of ways she sought retribution. Translation, he cheated, so he deserves everything he gets. But if the genders were reversed, would people feel the same way? There are countless articles written about hardcore rap and hip-hop music and its effects on both the treatment of women and domestic violence.

Former President Donald Trump was caught on a live microphone describing how he had assaulted women and got away with it. Lessor statements have doomed political campaigns and candidates. Rather than being condemned by all, many accepted his explanation that this was just “locker room talk” and thus normalized it as if this occurs in many locker rooms. However, if you ask most individuals who have been in locker rooms, they will tell you many things are said. Most are not print-worthy, but openly admitting to sexually assaulting another person would probably not be heard often, if ever at all. But he was a television star and became President, so it must be okay to both talk like that and do those things.

When we normalize domestic violence through songs, movies and other cultural events, we are slowly desensitizing ourselves to the true horrors domestic violence brings to its victims. Listen to “We Are Young” by Fun., featuring Janelle Monae, a song about domestic violence which won the Grammy for Song of the Year if you are unsure. We are creating the notion that domestic violence is not really that bad because it has a good backbeat and melody to sing along with.

So how should we interpret music and movies that depict domestic violence? It depends. . .