Memorable court moments

When I began presiding in a civil trial court more than two decades ago, I was caught completely off-guard by some random responses and uncommon examinations by some attorneys, witnesses and jurors. I started collecting these odds and ends into what I call my 'Memorable Court Moments.' I wish to share some of these delightful tidbits.

Listening is half the game

Court: "The Court's tentative decision is adopted and the motion is granted."

Counsel: "Your Honor, the Court should reconsider the ruling. It's not fair."

Court: "Reconsider the ruling? It's in your favor."

Counsel: "I'm sorry. I got it turned around. I'm not used to winning a lot of motions."

~~~

Court: "Plaintiff's counsel has stated her contentions. What's your position?"

Counsel: "I've been a litigation associate with [the firm] doing law and motion for two years."

Court: "I appreciate that. But what's your response to plaintiff's arguments?"

~~~

Court: "Counsel, if you could please state your appearance?"

Counsel: "Well, let's see. I've got a black suit, blue shirt and red and gold striped tie."

Court: "That's good. But could you state your name for the record and court reporter?"

~~~

Getting set up for trial

Court: \"[Mr. Pro Per Plaintiff], you're seated on the other side of the counsel table."

Plaintiff: "I'm sorry, your Honor. I'm more used to coming in the side door to the courtroom, not the back door."

~~~

Probing jury voir dire always hits paydirt

Attorney: "What do you do for a living?"

Juror: "I'm in the golf industry. I started as a caddy and now work at a golf course."

Attorney: "Have you enjoyed this type of work?"

Juror: "This prosecution of the president is completely unfair. They shouldn't be doing this."

Attorney: "That isn't exactly what I asked you. But where do you work?"

Juror: "Trump National Golf Course in Palos Verdes."

~~~

Attorney: "What was your next employment after the police raided and

closed your unlicensed medicinal marijuana dispensary?"

Juror: "I became more responsible. I got a real full-time job working for TSA at LAX."

~~~

Attorney: "Now what type of work did you do before becoming a security guard?"

Juror: "A little this and a little that. Mostly dealing drugs."

~~~

Opening statements: winning hearts and minds

Attorney: "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I know that some of you would rather be having a root canal than listening to me right now, but ...

~~~

Attorney: "Members of the jury, it's an honor to stand before you representing my client. He will be my first witness. [Gesturing toward plaintiff] Now, what's your name?"

Client: "[Plaintiff states his name]."

Attorney: "That's right. My client is going to tell you that ..."

~~~

Nothing but the facts so help you

Attorney: "I don't know whether this is fact or fiction, but this the honest way it happened."

~~~

Attorney: "[Mr. Witness], how are you today?"

Witness: "This chair reminds me of going to the dentist and you're getting ready to drill."

~~~

Plaintiff's Attorney: "[Mr. Client], am I pronouncing your name correctly?"

Attorney's Client: "I think so."

~~~

Attorney: "Can you tell us again what you just said?"

Witness: "I didn't say anything."

Attorney: "Damn. What did I ask you? Oh, yeah. What did you just say?"

Witness: "Nothing."

~~~

Probing cross-examination

Attorney: "You defrauded her, didn't you?"

Defendant: "Of course not. I'm not an idiot."

~~~

Attorney: "Isn't it true that you called him a turd?"

Defendant: "No. That isn't true."

Attorney: "Really. That's not true?"

Defendant: "That's right. I called him an odious little turd."

~~~

Attorney: "Was it a house or a condo?"

Witness: "I'm not sure."

Attorney: "Really. You don't you know the difference between a house and a condo?"

Witness: "No. But I do know the difference between a good and a bad lawyer when I see one."

~~~

Attorney: "Did you sign the note?"

Defendant: "No."

Attorney: "You didn't sign the note?"

Defendant: "I didn't."

Attorney: "What did you do after you signed the note?"

Defendant: "Once again. I didn't sign the note.

Attorney: "Oh, I see."

~~~

Attorney: "You surely believed [my client] when he said that, right?"

Defendant: "No. He was so unbelievable that I didn't think that he could walk a straight line if it were 10 feet wide."

~~~

Attorney: [To Elder Abuse plaintiff] "When did your memory start to fail?"

Plaintiff: "If I could remember that, then I could tell you."

~~~

Attorney: "Why did you testify differently at your deposition?"

Defendant: "I don't know. I must have been drunk when I said that."

~~~

Attorney: "What did he call you?"

Defendant: "He said that I was a greedy pig."

Attorney: "Did he say what he meant by that?"

Defendant: "He only said that he did not intend any disrespect."

~~~

Attorney: "Doctor, was the patient male or female?"

Witness: "Right. Male or female."

Attorney: "Are you sure?"

Witness: "Yes. Male or female."

~~~

Plaintiff: "Your Honor. Does he have to ask me things like I'm a five-year old?"

~~~

Persuasive expertise

Attorney: "Ladies and gentlemen, maybe I should have been something other than a history major in college. But let's see if you can follow any of my questions and we can get through some of this economics stuff together."

~~~

Attorney: "It's actually true that you have worked on 70 to 90 cases for my office?"

Expert: "That's true."

Attorney: "That's been since 1990, right?"

Expert: "Yes."

Attorney: "Do you know of any better expert whom I could have hired?"

Expert: "No."

~~~

"Your Honor, I object!"

Plaintiff's Counsel: "Objection. Lacks foundation."

Court: "Sustained. The question and answer heard by the jury are stricken."

Defendant's Counsel: "I agree. I'll withdraw the question."

Plaintiff's Counsel: "Thank you so much."

~~~

Counsel: "I object."

Court: "What are the grounds for your objection.?"

Counsel: "That's an odd question that he asked."

Court: "Any other grounds?"

Counsel: "No, your Honor."

Court: "Overruled."

~~~

Counsel: "Objection!"

Court: "What are the grounds?"

Counsel: "I'm working on that."

Court: "We'll come back to you later. Overruled. Let's move on."

~~~

Court: "Counsel, what is that large stack of books on the counsel table before you?"

Counsel: "They're there to help me know what objections to make."

Court: "By the time you get to the books, we'll be on to the next question."

Counsel: "Maybe. But I expect that the right objections might jump right out of those books and come to me when I need them."

~~~

Counsel: "I again object to counsel leaning her elbow on the jury box in the jurors' faces. The Court sustained both of my objections. Now she's doing it again."

Opposition: "I'm sorry, your Honor. It's a habit that I can't break when I'm in front of a jury." I'll do my best not to do it. And, by the way, my high heel shoes are killing me. Can I take off my shoes?"

Court: "No. Bring in the jury. Please call your next witness."

~~~

Summing it all up

Counsel: "Your Honor, I can't go any further. My voice is all gone."

Opposition: "Thank goodness!"

~~~

Counsel: "Your Honor, if counsel makes another argument like that, I'm going to shoot myself."

Opposition: "Make my day."

~~~

Lessons learned

Such Memorable Court Moments don't occur too often, but they do make for great courtroom war stories.