My Case for a Promotion

By P. Hauertripp

I'll admit it: For a while there, I thought it might be time for me to pack up and move on from my desiccated little corner of Big Law. In the past year I've watched my firm spiral downward from a demanding but predictable billable-hours factory to a shed of nightmares where dreams go to die at the hands of lunatic, unit-holding sadist partners. Not exactly the sort of place I want to spend the rest of my youth.

What I needed, I thought, was a job where my quality of life isn't measured by the number of weeks strung together in between mental breakdowns. A job where working 3,000 hours a year doesn't put me in the slacker category. A job that's low on substance, high on style, and will basically let me cruise along on an overstuffed salary, with as little accountability or actual responsibility as possible until I retire?or until a better offer comes along.

Then it hit me: That job is just down the hall from my office. And best of all, I'm already imminently qualified for it. The winning gig? Managing partner of my law firm.

Now, I can sense some of you rolling your eyes already: How, you scoff, can a mere mid-level associate run a global, multibillion-dollar law firm? Well, let me ask you something: Why not me? Because if the guy who's running my law firm now?let's call him PenguinBloat?is supposed to be any sort of role model, then I'm more than ready to step up to the plate.

Let's start with my proven ability to confront tough situations?like the one that PenguinBloat had to deal with a few months back, when he called a firmwide meeting in the wake of a massive wave of associate layoffs. The atmosphere was beyond tense, the room packed with associates paralyzed with fear about their jobs. Well, our leader waddled confidently to the front of the room, thanked everyone for coming, and then, sensing our obvious anxiety, launched into a 25-minute monologue on the one topic weighing heaviest on his mind: whether the firm should adopt a jeans-on-Fridays policy.

There was no mention of layoffs, salary freezes, or anything else to suggest that we should be nervous. Why? Because as any true law-firm leader knows, associates worry less about things like job security when they're wearing denim pants. And hell, I can talk about jeans for hours. Granted, I'm not much of an expert at discussing things like law-firm finances?or economic recessions?but when it comes to being managing partner, it looks like you don't need to yammer on about that kind of stuff anyway, at least not at firmwide meetings.

Let me offer another asset I'd bring to the job: I'm terrible at math. I can barely balance my checkbook without a calculator, which clearly puts me at least in the same league as dear PenguinBloat, who just a few months ago so grossly miscalculated how many associates the firm needed to fire that we're now talking about hiring a few laterals, just to make sure the partners don't suddenly have to step in and do actual legal work. Embarrassing? Only if you claim to be good at math. Which I don't.

But my qualifications don't stop there! I'm also a pro at expressing myself. And I'm particularly adept at invoking a managing partner's greatest asset: the royal "we." As in: "We regretfully announce that bonuses will not be awarded this year." And just like my own selfless leader, I'm willing to give others all the credit by denying personal knowledge of these decisions whenever asked. Remember, folks, there's no "I" in "management."

Still not convinced that I have what it takes to run a giant law firm? Well, hold on, because I've left my best, most impressive qualification for last: my teeth. Yes, friends, my pearly whites. They're shiny, bright, and most important, make for a gleaming smile that's sure to disarm and distract when necessary. See, like the best managing partners, I already know that the key to running a firm is being able to convince your audience that you're not lying through your teeth whenever your lips are moving. Whether you're telling potential clients your fees are reasonable, or simply pulling a PenguinBloat and assuring your own associates during a state-of-the-firm videoconference in the middle of a recession that "Layoffs are completely off the table," it's the smile that counts. We live in California, after all; as long as you look good on camera, it doesn't matter what you're actually saying once the red light comes on, right?

So, I think it's clear that I'm more than ready to run this joint. Granted, I may end up running it into the ground, but hey, at least I'll have learned from the best. See you at the top!

"P. Hauertripp" is a pseudonym for a mid-level associate at a large Southern California law firm. Send submissions to associateslife@daily journal.com.

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Kari Santos

Daily Journal Staff Writer