A Primer for Partners on the Make

by Cassie A. Nova

I?m sorry, but I just can't keep quiet any longer. On behalf of young women associates, I have to speak out. For years, lady lawyers working in Big Law have suffered through the same disturbing fate, and it needs to end. No, I'm not talking about getting dinged on the head by the glass ceiling now and then. Or being suffocated by insane expectations for billable hours. Or realizing after a few years in the game that our best chance for having kids will likely involve a cryogenics lab and a vial of frozen eggs.

No, no, I'm talking about something far more prevalent, more traumatic: having to suffer through the repeated, inept efforts of partners trying to hit on us.

I mean, really, guys, is this the best you've got? You're law partners, for chrissakes?equity partners, even! You close billion-dollar deals on a daily basis and should have seven-figure salaries rolling in the door by now. So, why is your game so lame? Was this not covered at your last partners retreat?

Sorry to break this to you, but when it comes to green-lighting any sort of partner-associate liaison, we lowly associates are the ones with all the leverage. So, if you want to seal the deal (or at least avoid being met with a horrified stare?not to mention a sexual-harassment suit) the next time you try to turn on the charm, consider the following.

Take off the Wedding Ring
This is a threshold rule, guys. We think it's fantastic that you're a family man, really we do. That picture on your desk of your former-secretary-cum-third-wife and latest batch of kids is really quite touching, but as a general matter, young lady associates don't love feeling like potential home wreckers. Trolling for action with the associates when you're single and lonely is one thing, but trolling for action when you're obviously married and just looking for a quick fling is creepy. Not to mention insulting. We're junior associates, not hookers. At least stick the wedding ring in your pocket before you ask us out for drinks.

Dress for Success
Here's a fact pattern for you: You're a 48-year-old, slightly puffy, mostly bald male law partner. She's a 27-year-old female junior associate. What's going to be a bigger turn-on for her: your receding hairline and encyclopedic knowledge of the latest trends in '34 Act compliance, or your ability to personify "profits per partner"? You're supposed to be a big shot, babe?dress the part. That lumpy, double-breasted, mud-gray Kenneth Cole ensemble may have worked on your secretary in 1988, but you're in the big leagues now. If you want to get any play, you're going to have to polish up the platinum Amex and think "P." As in Prada.

Don't Overdo It
OK, we understand that you're trying to bridge the age gap when you flirt with us?that you're trying to seem hip, energetic, and cool. But when you casually let it slip over drinks that you try to "catch a few waves" every morning before work, the closest thing to "hip" we're thinking is "hip replacement." Remember, we see you every day and know that your biggest exposure to the outdoors involves a 30-yard walk from your office to Coffee Bean. So, scale back the tales of exotic hobbies and stick to the basics: travel, wine, cars, continental cuisine.

Don't Stray Out of Your Chosen Class
Pick a group: secretaries, staff, or associates. You can't hit on all three and expect the associates to respond. Take, for example, Brent H., a newly minted equity partner at my firm. Within a week of orientation, I'd heard the rumors that he had a taste for younger secretaries?petite brunettes, in particular?and had just ended an affair with a floater who was so distraught she left the firm. After that, his come-ons to the new crop of associates might as well have opened with, "Hi, I'm Brent. My hobbies are punching babies and caring for my personal collection of STDs. Wanna make out sometime?" We're lawyers; status matters. At least try to keep up a facade that you're hitting on us because we're cute and smart and interesting?and not just because you've already tried out your routine on every other pair of XX chromosomes within two miles of the building.

Show Us the Units
Just in case you were wondering, describing yourself as an "income partner," at least to a young associate, is roughly synonymous with calling yourself a "13th-year associate." Not a big draw when it comes to reeling in women who are themselves gunning for partner. Think of it as a form of on-campus recruiting: If you want to work with us, you need to have the right résumé. And if you don't, please just stop wasting our time.

Try Not To Act Like a Serial Killer
This one should be obvious but, sadly, is all too often overlooked. Just last week, in fact, I was riding the elevator with a litigation partner in my firm whom I'd never even met, much less spoken to. Imagine my surprise, then, when he sidled up uncomfortably close to me, bugged out his eyes, leaned over, and murmured in a breathy croak, "Those earrings frame your face beautifully. Would you like to feel my calves?" Um ... no. Nor do I want to wind up chopped into a million pieces in the trunk of your car, you lunatic. In what universe is that an acceptable way of hitting on someone? Look, just because we happen to know you through work doesn't mean that we really know you, you know? We get it, you're lawyers?your attempts at flirting are bound to be more awkward than most guys'?but remember: The goal is for us to flirt back, not to call security on you.

That pretty much covers the basics, guys. Just remember, if you use your common sense, hold your head high, and maybe practice at a civilian bar first, you may actually have a shot at landing a few hits?if not a full-out fling?with a ready-and-willing young lady lawyer sometime before you retire. And, hey, at the very least, you'll probably get a few extra billable hours out of us for your efforts. That alone should be worth the trouble. Good luck!

"Cassie A. Nova" is a pseudonym for a mid-level associate at a large Southern California law firm.

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